3 Powerful Ways to Easily Lean In When Your Child is Struggling
There is a lot of advice out there, the most common being to let go and detach. Yet, your child may have the best chance of changing his or her life when you lean in instead.
First of all, there is a problem with letting go of your child’s issues too soon. You then not be able to influence him or her if there is no contact with them.
When you are feeling overwhelmed by your child’s negative behavior, letting go sounds tempting. Also, it is important to know that you can step back from your child’s issues for your own health and well-being at any time.
Yet, now we know that when you lean in and take time to get to the bottom of the problem, it can be what gets your child to consider changing their life.
Yelling, confrontation, and empty threats often do more damage than good. You may feel like a pot boiling over. Many parents do. It is more beneficial for all concerned to talk to your child positively. Look for what they are doing well, and do what you can to make a negative situation as positive as possible.
Anyone concerned about their child who is struggling with substance use needs strategies that they can do independently. Parents need simple, easy-to-learn tools that are helpful.
Never forget: This very moment, we can change our lives. There never was a moment, and never will be, when we are without the power to alter our destiny. ~ Steven Pressfield
Here are three that can help you lean in and be the best support for your child.
Take Time to Listen and Understand
Many parents are quick to search for a solution that will fix the problem. This is understandable, and I did it too. I focused on finding someone who could help us. I looked for treatment centers, staged an intervention, tried to persuade my child to go to a treatment center or get counseling.
Of course, along the way, I also hoped that there would be something that I could say that would help.
While my family is in a better place now, it would have been a benefit to all concerned to have had more clarity about why the drug use started in the first place.
It is important to take the time to understand what your child is getting out of their drug use. That is one way you can lean in when your child is struggling.
Some parents have mentioned that they believe their child feels calmer, less stressed out, or more mellow when using substances. Others have said that their child feels more connected and less lonely.
So often, our children are in pain for a variety of reasons. It is important to walk in their shoes and gather a deeper understanding.
Let your child know that you understand what they are going through and care about their feelings.
Here are four questions to ask yourself that will give you more understanding about why your child is using:
- “What do you think your child likes about using?
- “Who is your child usually with when they use?”
- “Do you have any idea what your child is thinking about right before using?”
- “What do you think your child is feeling before or while they are using?
Talk to Your Child in a Positive Way
Positive communication is another way to lean in. You are more likely to get what you want, and it will open doors to more satisfaction all around.
Here are seven positive communication components to consider when you are talking to your child.
You do not need to include all components in all conversations, but these are good tips to keep in mind.
1. Be Brief [Keep it short and simple.]
Do you remember Charlie Brown’s teacher, who talked on and on (wha, wha, wha)? I know my kids tuned me out on more than one occasion, and yours may have too. When you get to the point concisely, it helps. When you say something once, it can be a suggestion. Continual repeating of the same information can feel like nagging.
2. Be Positive [Always look at the positive side of a situation.]
You may feel hard-pressed to find something positive when your child is making bad choices. Look for opportunities in every situation. Think past the drug use to their positive qualities and focus on those as often as possible. Consider how you can turn a negative into a positive.
3. Be Specific and Clear [Concentrate on one area.]
When you are clear and concise, you have more of a chance of being heard. Be clear and focused on one area of concern. Do not go on and on about many topics. Focus on the behavior you want to see changed.
4. Label Your Feelings [I feel… ]
It helps to label how you are feeling. I felt a bit frustrated the other day, and I said to myself, “What I’m feeling is frustration.” By labeling my feeling, I recognized it, and the feeling subsided. If you label your feelings with your child, take it down a notch, so you label more calm emotions.
5. Offer an Understanding Statement [I understand why … ]
Share a time when you were young, and you felt the same way as your child. Sharing that you had similar feelings helps your son or daughter feel more connected to you. It lets your child know you have compassion for their feelings.
6. Accept Partial Responsibility [I know that this is partly my fault because … ]
This can be a tough one for parents. Remember, you are not taking responsibility for your child’s drug use. You recognize that life wasn’t always perfect for your child during their upbringing. No one’s life has been perfect, so rest assured, you are not alone.
7. Offer to Help [I’d like to …. ]
The simple words, “How can I help?” can make such a difference and show your support.
Reinforce What Your Child is Doing Right
Positive Reinforcement is such a basic idea that it can work in almost any scenario. We forget all about it when we are in the depth of dealing with our child’s substance use. All that we can see, focus on, or think about, is the addictive/destructive behavior we are so afraid of. We lose sight of how positive reinforcement could help.
As Robert Meyers says in his book, Get Your Loved One Sober, “The goals are (1) to improve the quality of your life and (2) to make sobriety more attractive to your loved one than drinking (or drugging)”.
“Rewarding” your child in a sincere way for not using drugs or alcohol can help to reinforce what your child is doing right. It can move you all to a more peaceful existence.
Positive reinforcement provides another opportunity to have hope, empowerment, and understanding when you are concerned about your child’s behavior.
Some positive reinforcement tips:
- Select a behavior that you are concerned about. Brainstorm the opposite good behavior that you want to reward. Pick a reward you feel willing and able to give. (Verbal acknowledgment is a good place to start.)
- The rewards should be as small as possible. For example, a hug or a smile can be a reward that a child of any age remembers.
- The rewards need to be age-appropriate and something that your child values.
- Give the reward exactly when the behavior occurs or as soon afterward as possible.
- Don’t give something before the behavior occurs in hopes that the behavior will change later. Positive reinforcement is not a bribe.
- You should be enthusiastic and keep goals for your child achievable. If you become stressed or start to feel resentful, take a break. You will then be more able to have positive interactions with your child.
- The reward needs to be consistent and delivered promptly.
- Vary the rewards. As an example, a hug, a small gift card for coffee, or an outing together could be rewards that your child remembers and appreciates.
- Track the good behavior and the rewards that you are giving.
Finally, as well as rewarding your child, one of the most important things to do is reward yourself. Keep a list of “treats” that you can give yourself when you feel that you’ve earned it. You can even reward yourself for rewarding your child.
Substance use can feel negative. The more you lean in and approach your child’s behavior in an optimistic, positive way, the better you will feel—the more of a chance your child will have of changing their life.
